Bancuri cu femei
- Thread starter niko
- Start date
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their
perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of
the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded
Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along
delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple
and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of
them survived the accident. Question: Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)
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Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the
first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such
thing as a perfect man.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. **** Men keep scrolling.
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been
driving. This explains why there was a car accident. **** Men keep scrolling
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By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates
another point: Women never listen.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their
perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of
the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded
Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along
delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple
and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of
them survived the accident. Question: Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)
>
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Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the
first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such
thing as a perfect man.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. **** Men keep scrolling.
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been
driving. This explains why there was a car accident. **** Men keep scrolling
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By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates
another point: Women never listen.
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well,after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her
husband was holding battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one."
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bum," she screamed
at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better
explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids."
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well,after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her
husband was holding battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one."
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bum," she screamed
at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better
explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids."
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of
> their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
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> After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, " So you're a man.
> That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's
> nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we
> should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our
> days".
>
> Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely,
> this must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "and look at this,
> here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of
> wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate
> our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
>
> The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
> and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and
> immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man
> asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just
> wait for the police.... "
> their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
>
> After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, " So you're a man.
> That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's
> nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we
> should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our
> days".
>
> Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely,
> this must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "and look at this,
> here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of
> wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate
> our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
>
> The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
> and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and
> immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man
> asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just
> wait for the police.... "
Un baietel se juca in camera de zi cu trenuletul primit de la Mos Craciun.
Mama lui spala vase in bucatarie.
La un moment dat aude cum se opreste trenul si baietelul incepe sa strige:
- Mai p..alailor ! Daca vreti sa coboriti acum miscati-va hoiturile iar cei care doriti sa urcati grabiti-va, ca dau drumul la tren !
Mama baietelului asculta incremenita vorbele copilului, se repede in camera si ii zice:
- Domnisorule ! In casa asta nu se vorbeste in felul acesta, asa ca te rog du-te in camera ta si reflecteaza asupra faptului.
Baietelul isi asculta mama si pleaca.
Dupa doua ore se intoarce si isi continua jocul.
- Cei care acum coboara, le multumim ca au calatorit cu noi si ii rugam sa nu isi uite bagajele.
Cei care se urca le recomandam sa isi aseze bagajele in rastel. Pornim indata !
Mama copilului asculta mindra vorbele copilului.
- Iar cei care sint nemultumiti de intirzierea de doua
ore, sa se adreseze la curva imputita din bucatarie !!!!
Mama lui spala vase in bucatarie.
La un moment dat aude cum se opreste trenul si baietelul incepe sa strige:
- Mai p..alailor ! Daca vreti sa coboriti acum miscati-va hoiturile iar cei care doriti sa urcati grabiti-va, ca dau drumul la tren !
Mama baietelului asculta incremenita vorbele copilului, se repede in camera si ii zice:
- Domnisorule ! In casa asta nu se vorbeste in felul acesta, asa ca te rog du-te in camera ta si reflecteaza asupra faptului.
Baietelul isi asculta mama si pleaca.
Dupa doua ore se intoarce si isi continua jocul.
- Cei care acum coboara, le multumim ca au calatorit cu noi si ii rugam sa nu isi uite bagajele.
Cei care se urca le recomandam sa isi aseze bagajele in rastel. Pornim indata !
Mama copilului asculta mindra vorbele copilului.
- Iar cei care sint nemultumiti de intirzierea de doua
ore, sa se adreseze la curva imputita din bucatarie !!!!
Curs special pentru femei organizat de Ministerul Sanatatii in
colaborare cu Ministerul Educatiei si Cercetarii
Tema: Dezvoltarea functiunilor creierului la femeia moderna.
Scop: Participantele vor fi confruntate cu o experienta fascinanta
(folosirea creierului). Conditii: Vointa de a invata ceva nou
(chiar daca se va dovedi a fi ceva greu)
Durata:
Brunete 1,5 luni fiecare modul
Roscate 3 luni fiecare modul
Blonde 6 luni fiecare modul
Cursul contine 4 module
Modulul I
1) Acceptarea soartei: m-am nascut femeie
2) Cunoasterea locului de desfasurare a vietii: bucataria
3) Cum pastrez ordinea in poseta? (sub control strict)
4) Cum fac cumparaturi in mai putin de 4 ore: notiuni elementare
5) Pastrarea limitelor: Cum ma machiez corect
6) Curs de programare I (toate categoriile): folosirea cuptorului cu
microunde
7) Curs de programareII (numai brunetele si roscatele):
Videorecorderul
Modulul II
1) Ecuatia cu o necunoscuta: Automobilul
2) Exercitii de dinamica grupului: Ce trebuie sa fac cand stam in
masina
3) Parcarea, ParteaI: Notiuni elementare
4) Parcarea, Partea II: Manevre
5) O adevarata provocare: Frana si acceleratia.
6) Cutia de viteze. Descriere completa (pentru blonde numai cutia
automata)
7) Folosirea corecta a semnalizatorului.
8 ) Notiuni elementare de fizica: Corpuri in miscare
9) Adevaruri optice: Luminile rosie, galbena si verde ale
semaforului.
10) Curs special: Parcarea in garaj.
11) Ecuatia cu mai multe necunoscute: Cutia de scule - descriere
generala
12) Curs de supravietuire I: Unde se ! afla lumina de avarie
13) Curs de supravietuire II: Schimbarea unui cauciuc
14) Curs de supravietuire III: Schimbarea mai multor cauciucuri (Da,
este posibil!!)
15) Curs de supravietuireIV: Verificarea cu succes a nivelului
uleiului si a apei.
Modulul III
1) Notiuni elementare: Nici o cucerire a tehnicii moderne nu ma va
putea ridica la nivelul barbatului
2) Vocabular I: Definitia cuvantului "DA". Corectarea exercitiului:
"Esti gata?"
3) Vocabular II: Definitia notiunii "5 Minute"
4) Sociologie: Fotbalul nu este un sport ci o religie.
5) Drept cetatenesc si morala I: Discutii barbatilor despre tema
fotbal
6) Drept cetatenesc si morala II: A nu te amesteca niciodata in
aceste discutii
7) Cum evit intrebarile inutile (de ex. "Ma iubesti?", "Sant
frumoasa?", "Am ceva special?")
8 ) Adevaruri zilnice: Si femeile ragaie, exercitii in grup.
9) Adevaruri zilnice: Barbieritul (curs intensiv pentru brunete):
Partea barbateasca a femeii
10) Comportamentul la cumparaturi: Cardul Visa, Definirea notiunii
de limita de suma
11) Comportamentul la cumparaturi: Si eu pot cara naveta de bere
12) De ce mama nu e binevenita la noi? (1000 de studii de caz)
Modulul IV
1) Telefonul: Cand trebuie sa inchid? Exercitii de grup: 4
femei/telefon(nu uitati sacul de dormit)
2) Machiajul: Metamorfoza femeii
3) Terapie TV I: Si fara telenovele se poate trai!
4) Terapie TV II: Filmele de dragoste sant pura fictiune si nu
realitate
5) Eu si corpul meu: Legea gravitatiei
6) Oglinzile nu mint: Ma accept asa cum sant.
colaborare cu Ministerul Educatiei si Cercetarii
Tema: Dezvoltarea functiunilor creierului la femeia moderna.
Scop: Participantele vor fi confruntate cu o experienta fascinanta
(folosirea creierului). Conditii: Vointa de a invata ceva nou
(chiar daca se va dovedi a fi ceva greu)
Durata:
Brunete 1,5 luni fiecare modul
Roscate 3 luni fiecare modul
Blonde 6 luni fiecare modul
Cursul contine 4 module
Modulul I
1) Acceptarea soartei: m-am nascut femeie
2) Cunoasterea locului de desfasurare a vietii: bucataria
3) Cum pastrez ordinea in poseta? (sub control strict)
4) Cum fac cumparaturi in mai putin de 4 ore: notiuni elementare
5) Pastrarea limitelor: Cum ma machiez corect
6) Curs de programare I (toate categoriile): folosirea cuptorului cu
microunde
7) Curs de programareII (numai brunetele si roscatele):
Videorecorderul
Modulul II
1) Ecuatia cu o necunoscuta: Automobilul
2) Exercitii de dinamica grupului: Ce trebuie sa fac cand stam in
masina
3) Parcarea, ParteaI: Notiuni elementare
4) Parcarea, Partea II: Manevre
5) O adevarata provocare: Frana si acceleratia.
6) Cutia de viteze. Descriere completa (pentru blonde numai cutia
automata)
7) Folosirea corecta a semnalizatorului.
8 ) Notiuni elementare de fizica: Corpuri in miscare
9) Adevaruri optice: Luminile rosie, galbena si verde ale
semaforului.
10) Curs special: Parcarea in garaj.
11) Ecuatia cu mai multe necunoscute: Cutia de scule - descriere
generala
12) Curs de supravietuire I: Unde se ! afla lumina de avarie
13) Curs de supravietuire II: Schimbarea unui cauciuc
14) Curs de supravietuire III: Schimbarea mai multor cauciucuri (Da,
este posibil!!)
15) Curs de supravietuireIV: Verificarea cu succes a nivelului
uleiului si a apei.
Modulul III
1) Notiuni elementare: Nici o cucerire a tehnicii moderne nu ma va
putea ridica la nivelul barbatului
2) Vocabular I: Definitia cuvantului "DA". Corectarea exercitiului:
"Esti gata?"
3) Vocabular II: Definitia notiunii "5 Minute"
4) Sociologie: Fotbalul nu este un sport ci o religie.
5) Drept cetatenesc si morala I: Discutii barbatilor despre tema
fotbal
6) Drept cetatenesc si morala II: A nu te amesteca niciodata in
aceste discutii
7) Cum evit intrebarile inutile (de ex. "Ma iubesti?", "Sant
frumoasa?", "Am ceva special?")
8 ) Adevaruri zilnice: Si femeile ragaie, exercitii in grup.
9) Adevaruri zilnice: Barbieritul (curs intensiv pentru brunete):
Partea barbateasca a femeii
10) Comportamentul la cumparaturi: Cardul Visa, Definirea notiunii
de limita de suma
11) Comportamentul la cumparaturi: Si eu pot cara naveta de bere
12) De ce mama nu e binevenita la noi? (1000 de studii de caz)
Modulul IV
1) Telefonul: Cand trebuie sa inchid? Exercitii de grup: 4
femei/telefon(nu uitati sacul de dormit)
2) Machiajul: Metamorfoza femeii
3) Terapie TV I: Si fara telenovele se poate trai!
4) Terapie TV II: Filmele de dragoste sant pura fictiune si nu
realitate
5) Eu si corpul meu: Legea gravitatiei
6) Oglinzile nu mint: Ma accept asa cum sant.
Cum face baie o femeie
Scoate hainele si le pune in cosul de rufe.
Desparte hainele albe de colorate. Isi pune halatul si se duce la baie.
Se uita in oglinda sa vada daca s-a-ngrasat. Intra in cada.
Cauta buretele, se freaca cu el pe fata, pe spate si pe maini. Se
clabuceste pe cap cu un sampon de mere cu miere (83 de vitamine) si se
clateste bine. Tipa ca o leoaica cand sotul deschide apa rece la
bucatarie si presiunea scade la robinetul din baie. Isi mai spumeaza
inca odata parul cu un sampon de piersici cu morcovi (56 de vitamine) si
se clateste bine. Isi aplica un balsam de palnte si-l tine 10 minute.
Se spala cu apa de fata pe baza de grapefruit si castraveti, timp de 10
minute. Isi face masaj cu crema cu extrat de nuci si capsuni.
Se rade la subrat, pe picioare, inghinal, dispar mustata si sprancenele.
Iese din baie, se sterge bine bine si se acopera cu un prosop urias.
Curata parul cazut cu hartie higienica. Se uita in oglinda sa vada daca
are cosuri si le inlatura cu grija. Se intoarce in dormitor intr-un
halat de baie lung si se imbraca timp de trei ore.
Scoate hainele si le pune in cosul de rufe.
Desparte hainele albe de colorate. Isi pune halatul si se duce la baie.
Se uita in oglinda sa vada daca s-a-ngrasat. Intra in cada.
Cauta buretele, se freaca cu el pe fata, pe spate si pe maini. Se
clabuceste pe cap cu un sampon de mere cu miere (83 de vitamine) si se
clateste bine. Tipa ca o leoaica cand sotul deschide apa rece la
bucatarie si presiunea scade la robinetul din baie. Isi mai spumeaza
inca odata parul cu un sampon de piersici cu morcovi (56 de vitamine) si
se clateste bine. Isi aplica un balsam de palnte si-l tine 10 minute.
Se spala cu apa de fata pe baza de grapefruit si castraveti, timp de 10
minute. Isi face masaj cu crema cu extrat de nuci si capsuni.
Se rade la subrat, pe picioare, inghinal, dispar mustata si sprancenele.
Iese din baie, se sterge bine bine si se acopera cu un prosop urias.
Curata parul cazut cu hartie higienica. Se uita in oglinda sa vada daca
are cosuri si le inlatura cu grija. Se intoarce in dormitor intr-un
halat de baie lung si se imbraca timp de trei ore.
Sinii 
deci, la Bucuresti, 2 tsarance moldovence intr-un hotel, se apropie ele de Dj-ul care da camere si intreaba:
- auzi vai, voi aveti camere cu 1 camera? cu doua paturi??? a?
Dj-ul le intreaba: - Doamnelor, da voi stiti bancul cu RULU?????????
doamnele tsarance: - Nu, spunetsine si noua
Dj-ul: - Rulu deaicea :evil:
doamnele tsarance: - auzi, tu ghitsa, da tu stii bancu cu sinii???
Dj-ul: - Nu
doamnele: apu sini puki in c_u_r !!!
deci, la Bucuresti, 2 tsarance moldovence intr-un hotel, se apropie ele de Dj-ul care da camere si intreaba:
- auzi vai, voi aveti camere cu 1 camera? cu doua paturi??? a?
Dj-ul le intreaba: - Doamnelor, da voi stiti bancul cu RULU?????????
doamnele tsarance: - Nu, spunetsine si noua
Dj-ul: - Rulu deaicea :evil:
doamnele tsarance: - auzi, tu ghitsa, da tu stii bancu cu sinii???
Dj-ul: - Nu
doamnele: apu sini puki in c_u_r !!!